Chirrut's (little) Problem

[idontneedluck]

Chirrut... has a problem. Normally when Chirrut has a problem, it isn't much of an issue - he has Baze, and together they can figure out most things (or by then Master Sheotar has figured out they're up to something because she knows everything and somehow problems have a way of refocusing themselves when she's around).

But this time, Chirrut can't go to Baze.

Because he's pretty sure he'll either embarrass or horrify Baze with this particular... problem.

...

So how, exactly, is he supposed to stop having a crush on his best friend?

Chirrut is spending extra time on the training mats tonight, trying to drive himself to exhaustion. A dream-free night... would be good.

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[iprotectyou]

The last time Chirrut stole Baze's breath, it was with a staff against his ribs. This time feels just as much of a shock, just as painful. Baze knows, intimately, that he'll hurt his friend no matter what he does. He doesn't like Chirrut, not in that way.

Baze doesn't like anyone in that way. He honestly hasn't given liking people very much thought; there was always so much more to do. Kitchen duties. Sparring. Library work.

But now, he's going to hurt Chirrut. Shavit. Baze realizes, slowly, that it might be easier to give into his friend. Might be easier to give him what he wants.

Baze draws a deep breath through his nose, and leans forward to mash his lips against Chirrut's.

Baze feels nothing.

[idontneedluck]

For a minute, for a long minute, Chirrut thinks that maybe he had it wrong, maybe this will all work out. Baze is kissing him, and while noses are awkward Baze's lips are soft. His happiness burns like a starbird trapped under his ribs.

But then he realizes, with a thump like being sent sprawling to the mat, the Force isn't whispering anything different than it was a minute ago. The only joy in the room is his own.

And then that dies too.

"... Baze?" Chirrut pulls away, his hands braced against Baze's chest (though whether it's to push back Baze or to keep himself from seizing temptation, he couldn't even tell himself). "What are you doing?"

[iprotectyou]

Baze covers Chirrut's hands with his own, runs his thumbs across the backs of them. Tears roll down his cheeks and drip off his chin, where stubble is just beginning to grow.

"I... I thought... I mean, it's what you want, isn't it?" Baze says, his voice cracking with both agony and an unfortunate change in pitch.

"I thought that if I... forced myself, I could care for you, too, in... that way."

He lets loose a choked sob, lowering his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Chirrut."

[idontneedluck]

"That's why I didn't tell you." Chirrut admits, softly, his posture stiff. He's holding himself like a gutshot man trying to keep his feet, stubborn and proud. "If there'd been someone else... anyone else, I would have fought. I would have fought so hard for you, burned everything to the ground before I gave up. But I can't fight against nothing."

[iprotectyou]

Baze opens his mouth, but no words come out. He cries brokenly, silently, feeling a massive headache bloom behind his jammed-shut eyes. He wants to run. He knew he would hurt his friend, and now Baze has made it so much worse. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't things just go back to normal?

Why is he the way he is?

"I... wish I could love you, in the way you need," Baze says, his words choked. He doesn't even know why he's saying them at this point; he won't bring solace to either him or his friend with words, no matter how genuine, how sorry.

Sorry. What a useless word.

"But I don't love anyone like that. There's no one else. There never will be."

[idontneedluck]

Chirrut grimaces, the 'love you' close enough to what he wanted to hear to grate along frayed nerves. He suspected, almost knew, that he wasn't enough (that no one was enough) to catch Baze's attention. How could they, with Baze the most devoted of them all? What could compare to the Force?

Chirrut damns himself for being prideful enough to try. To persist in thinking that maybe, if he waited long enough...

"I'm sorry too. I... well, I suspected. But I couldn't... can't... stop." The truth leaks a little more than he wanted, because even now he knows what the truth is. He loves Baze Malbus, body and soul.



"I could... move rooms. If you wanted."

[iprotectyou]

No! Baze thinks, almost physically recoiling. He stays perfectly still, except for the way his breath comes faster. Please don't leave me, is the next thought that chases on the heels of the first, cloying and choking.

He licks his suddenly dry lips.

"If... If that's what you want," Baze says, releasing Chirrut's hands. Baze has no right to keep Chirrut around, when the larger Jedhan's very existence will hurt the smaller one.

[idontneedluck]

"No!" Chirrut is vocal in his denial, pain splashed across his expression. "I just thought..." He grimaces, explaining because he has to, hesitating because now it's all just too humiliating.

"You're... you're really attractive, and... I've been trying so hard not to be creepy about it."

Chirrut is very sure, however, that if they go on sharing a room eventually he's going to slip up and Baze will see exactly how attractive Chirrut finds him.

This is acutely mortifying, and if the ground feels like opening up and swallowing him right now, he won't protest at all.

[iprotectyou]

"You're not creepy at all," Baze says, lowering his head. Relief at Chirrut's denial burns in Baze's chest, freeing up his lungs to take in oxygen again.

Truth be told, Baze didn't even notice, though now that he looks back... Chirrut did have a habit of showing off like hell during forms and classes and sparring matches. And he'd bring Baze little flowers, and leave them by his pillow or place them in his hair. Baze thought the gesture was sweet, and that's just what friends did for each other. He'd returned the gesture by bringing tea to his friend, though now Baze wonders if that was leading him on.

Damn it, why does loving people have to be so complicated? Baze doesn't know what proper boundaries are in relationships. He's always known this, always been surprised when people don't want hugs. He foolishly thought his lack of knowledge--and such a lack that did not come from not paying attention--wouldn't extend to his and Chirrut's relationship. Baze thought they were doing fine.

Apparently not.

And now Chirrut is talking about being creepy, and Baze has no idea what he means. Shavit.

"I don't want you to leave. I want to be friends, still. Is... Is that too much to ask?"

[idontneedluck]

"No! No, of course not, I will always be your friend." Chirrut protests, uncaring about how difficult 'just friends' might be in the face of raging hormones. He'll adjust. He'll find a way to adjust. He's not going to lose Baze over this, come hell or high water.

[iprotectyou]

"Thank you, Chirrut," Baze says, wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.

"We're so late," he says, glancing to the sonic and then back to his friend again.

"Master Sheotar is going to kick both our asses."

[idontneedluck]

"That is a perpetual state of being." Chirrut notes ruefully. He's unwilling to step away - he knows, now, that there will never be a romance between him and Baze. Leaving this moment is leaving the end of that hope.

He will, of course. He'll be so very careful. He can't bear to lose Baze as a friend too. It's... just going to be so very difficult.

Maybe Master Sheotar will be especially vicious towards him for the next... forever. Ugh.